Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
