Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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