if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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