allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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