I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We need a shit load of segways right now
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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