I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
