My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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