I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
