can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
