Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
