hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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