Got a toothbrush?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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