seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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