Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
