I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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