I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
