Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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