My nipple is on Facebook.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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