If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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