I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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