I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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