Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Randomize
