You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
