god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
