but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
