I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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