I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
