someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
