we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
