i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
