I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
