Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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