I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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