Swine flu. Run for my life!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
God, I missed his penis.
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