Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
