You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
