i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
