The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Operation Purity has been aborted
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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