listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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