I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
