i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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