Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
