what day is it and did you see me today?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
