Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
