I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
