and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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