I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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