Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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