Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I wish you could order shots online.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
