I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So squirting runs in the family.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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