Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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